The Mating Dance - A Scientific Look at Flirting

Men and women belong to different species, and communication between them is a science still in its infancy. ---- Bill Cosby

Cosby's observation concerning the difficulty of achieving successful communication between the sexes is strongly supported by the SIRC Guide to Flirting. The laws and guidelines presented in the guide, though offensive to my feminist sensibilities, are solidly based on scientific study. The studies used to complete the guide relied on the symbolic interactionism theoretical perspective, with a micro sociological focus using participant observation, to dissect the most fundamental parts of the mating dance. At the conclusion of the guide the writer dismissively acknowledges that the finds may offend those of Puritan mind set as well as any who pursue political correctness. Clearly the objective of the guide was not to coddle any group of people, but to present the findings of various anthropological studies in laymen's terms.

The Guide reveals that there is a vast difference between North American ideal culture and real culture when it comes to equality of the sexes. A disproportionate amount of warnings are given to women to modify their behavior to avoid sending the wrong message to their male counterparts. Women are persistently reminded to take care not to unwittingly send out signals of sexual availability. Even if these admonitions are taken to heart the problem remains that men have poor perceptive skills and tend to be overly optimistic, convinced that most women are not only open to the thought of copulating with them, but eager to do so. Repeated warnings of the potential for misunderstanding and instructions to proceed with caution clearly contradict the idea that flirting is something that should be taken lightly. On multiple occasions I have seen quibbles over "innocent flirting" escalate into bloody brawls. As a member of a subculture that was (most likely) not heavily observed in the studies used to complete this guide, I contest that flirting is a serious endeavor, a tool only to be used with intent not a toy to be brandished for mere entertainment. There are many negative sanctions for flirting for sport. The existence of these negative sanctions indicates that not everyone is as indifferent and amoral as the authors of the guide. The most revealing suggestion in the guide as to the low standards of the writers is the suggestion to simply exercise a degree of caution with people who are married or attached. It has been observed that some groups tend to be hypersensitive to slights and outward displays of disrespect. In subcultures such as these flirting with someone else's established partner is asking for trouble. The guide notes that men tend to misread friendliness as advertisements of sexual availability. This tendency increases the chances that the innocence of the flirtation will be lost on the husband or boyfriend of the target.

Knowing to which degree you must temper your behavior when interacting with men from other cultures can prove even more complex. While in Russia I found the men very difficult to communicate with. The Georgians and Turkish men that I met there seemed to come from extremely patriarchal communities, incapable of understanding North American female attempts at friendliness. All such expressions were taken as signs of sexual availability. I once called a co-worker to invite him to the movies with another friend and I. He informed me the he didn't want to go out; but, he would be available for approximately 30 minutes. If I rushed, I could make it over to his apartment just in time for some no strings attached sex. This sudden offer for sex seemed inappropriate to me but in his opinion it was merely a response to my blatant invitations. After several failed attempts to include these men in social activities at the school, I gave up on trying to interact with all men in my workplace that hailed from patriarchal nations.

Though many of the observations were disappointing, it would be interesting to see this guide extended to include a broader group of people. While this guide focuses on flirting between women and men this dance often occurs between members of the same sex. With the roles of women so deeply ingrained, how does ones decide who will lead the dance? How can you slip into the role of lead, and then back to that of submissive follower in a flash? Is there some agent of socialization that lesbians are not influenced by that allows them to see the gender roles accepted by their heterosexual counterparts as suggestions rather than laws? As modern Americans become more and more asexual how can the laws of the Guide stand? Do these currently stand in cities full of modern metrosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals, and transgender people? Though these are generally seen as members of the alternative lifestyle subculture, in a study such as this how could their influence be overlooked in areas where their presence is pronounced i.e. traditional flirting locals such as bars and clubs?

All things considered, the Guide will prove very helpful among mainstream heterosexuals. The instruction to touch your target multiple times in neutral areas, to gauge the degree to which you have engaged your target, is a crucial pointer. This is a very effective technique. I cannot count the number of times that I have been put off by premature attempts to increase intimacy through touch. Had this suggestion been followed, this could have been prevented in every instance. The guide provides numerous pointers as to how one can make themselves more appealing to their target through eye contact, body language, posture, gestures and facial expressions. The guide notes that only 7% of your initial impression has anything to do with what you say. While reading the guide I imagine that most women find themselves overwhelmed by a familiar sense of boredom induced by restriction and routine. After making the rounds as a single person for years, the rigors of the mating dance leave most exhausted, making the idea of formally retreating from that arena more and more appealing. The woman tires of participating in a game that is played on a slant, settles for the first semi-acceptable suitor and marries; hence, the human race survives. This feeling that overcomes the "nice" woman who breaks her back following the rules, passively pursing a mate by waiting around and looking pretty, while the male plays freely and aggressively obtaining what nature and reason indicate are out of his league, is expressed well by Kristen Davis' character Charlotte York of Sex in the City: I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?